The other day, I briefly reflected on our new stage in parenthood. Two mobile babies have changed a lot of things in our 968 sq. ft. of space. The bathroom is their favorite place to venture. Therefore, the safety lock was installed on the potty and now makes a wonderful conversation piece with our guests!
I was going to bypass doing another post until Five on Friday seeing that I am typing beside a pile of clothes that have yet to be folded, the dishwasher needs to be unloaded, and there is a floor full of toys beneath my feet. Also, another addition to my long to-do list is writing a letter to our apartment complex about our lovely neighbors stringing blue lights around the perimeter of their door. We have a blue light special going on at 4360 apparently, y’all.
Andrew and I are getting away for the weekend, and my parents are coming to stay with the girls. So, you can see that I have a to-do list as long as the Mile-High swinging bridge that we will be crossing this weekend at Grandfather Mountain. Here’s the thing: it’s been approximately the same to-do list since Monday.
There have been a few things that I have crossed off here and there, but I have yet to accomplish the majority of set tasks. And, I have one day. It wasn’t that long ago when I could write a to-do list and could cross everything off in one quick afternoon. Again. I have been working on this list for three days. I think the solution is pretty simple for a mom of twins, I need a nanny or a housekeeper. Just kidding! But seriously. I wouldn’t send a housekeeper hiking if they showed up on my front doorstep. I would give them a huge hug and lead them straight to our bathroom that seems to have been rejected for the past month.
Needless to say, this month has been a struggle. In five days, it will be one year from the day I was admitted to Chapel Hill and our journey began. I would be misleading to tell you that I am not scared for the days ahead. The emotions I will face as we celebrate the girls’ 1st birthday, and this year being able to see them on their actual birthday. The overwhelming joy of being able to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas at home with them this year. On December 2nd, being able to hold my sweet Amelia as we rejoice in a healthy heart. On December 14th, being able to drop Leah off in the church nursery instead of hearing a doctor tell us they are running tests for bacterial meningitis. On December 23rd, being able to take the girls to see Santa Claus instead of untangling their wires so he could gently hold them in the NICU. There are many days ahead of us that are going to be hard, but we are so incredibly blessed because they are going to be here with us.
In our NICU journey, there are two families we became friends with that have to live life without their babies today. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about those two mothers. I remind myself how blessed I am to have a to-do list I fail everyday to complete. In the time I should be spending folding clothes, unloading dishes, cleaning, or dusting, I am singing songs. I am playing peek-a-boo. I am changing diapers. I am reading books. I am constantly hiding things and keeping their paths clear. I am watching my step. I am making bottles. I am fixing them something to eat. I am kissing boo boos when they fall down. I am snuggling. I am strolling. I am capturing the moments. I am being a mother.
Subconsciously, I have wondered if I am enough for the past year. If I did enough to care for my babies in the womb. If I did enough to care for my babies in the NICU. If I did enough, even when I wasn’t able to supply the nutrition they needed myself. If I am doing enough now. And then, I think about my dear friends and the other mothers whose babies have been taken from them too early. They ache for even the opportunity to be enough.
So, today we are enough. Our babies don’t need an immaculate house to learn, grow, and live. They only need a home. They only need nourishment, comfort, and lots of love. They don’t need every toy that Fisher-Price manufactures, or every children’s book that Barnes and Nobles has on sale. They don’t have to have the Perfect Pinterest birthday bash. It’s okay to have a messy house. It’s okay.
This week, I have taken away one important lesson from the in-between of our day to day “routine”. Our babies only want us. They desire to be noticed, and yearn for our attention. Mommas– it’s time to forget the distractions and the to-do lists and just be with our babies. We owe it to all the mothers who can’t do that today.
Cross of one thing: just be.